It Will Be OK

A well lived life does not have to be long, as many examples show, although a lengthy life can give you more chances to try different avenues and relearn your lessons. Many of these lessons will be painful. But it will be OK.
A well lived life is not likely to be free of adversity and trauma. It is always a combo deal of pain and peace, satisfaction and sadness, choices and challenges, fulfillment and failure. Each person and generation will be born in a period of time when these will be present. As an individual your life is lived in the context of history and environment, your connections and influences.

We live in an age where trauma has become a word spoken of often, in an environment of great anger, hostility and distrust. Trauma is not a badge of honor, nor a mark of shame. It is a part of life. Narcissism is also ironically an outgrowth of unaddressed trauma. This time period appears (although appearances can be deceiving) to be time when narcisstic traits are on the rise in society, when individualism and tribal identity intensifives narcissistic traits. A sense of entitlement, of needing flattery from others on one hand, and verbally battering others on the other hand is rampant.

We are living in a time when our Western culture is marked by increased narcissism but also overstimulation and scattered attention, not a good combination. These are non clinical descriptions. In other words, lots of self aborbstion, lack of empathy, lack of stillness and patience.

Social mores feel increasingly superficial, with black and white thinking, and contempt for any signs of softness or weakness, such as compassion or kindness. It can fill like a whirlwind, a blizzard, a duststorm, a fog. It is easy to lose sight of what is important if in a time when incessant information (not knowledge or wisdom) never seems to stop. If you are not careful you can absorb this into the very fiber of your being, like a virus or pollutants, the very essense of corruption and the opposite of being healthy.

The original word for health from old English, with Germanic origins, means to be whole and pure. The best defense is to have a good sense of self, boundaries, and to accept, so that you can focus and use your values in everyday life with integrity. Acceptance is not the same as agreement, it is simply acknowleding what is, or what seems to be.

We think we are well connected, but connections are frayed. It is important to have a sense of belonging, but tribal belonging can be unhealthy if it leads to defensiveness or aggression. The connections in this modern age of online communication are often illusionary in a combative age, especially is you are only confirming what you already know, instead of learning.

Materialism and lonlieness is not a good combination, as illustrated in such books as The Miser and A Christmas Carol. These are really spiritual problems. Stuff may be comforting for a while, but it cannot fill an empty void. The prosperity gospel believed by some does not do well in the long term. It may seem harmless to feel God has blessed some with wealth, but define wealth? Who is the wealthier person, the one with the most money or the most friends? Of course non-productive conflict, rooted in selfishness and greed, from interpersonal to war between groups and countries have been ever present

Conflict can be healthy, but it is a two edged sword. Good conflict encourages problem solving and increased understanding. Bad conflict, such as through war or political strife encourages dehumanizing others, and zero sum strategies in which thinking if others have more you have less. Social media makes dehumanizing too easy. Good leadership seeks to bridge divides through compromise and at least trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

Healing is hard when a society feels so broken. Society becomes rigid and brittle. There needs to be a balance between individualism and groups (family, community, cultures) so that there is both stability and growth, respect for rituals and creativity, to be free of stagnation and dogma.

Extremists on both sides of the political spectrum tend to want to force ideas on others, perhaps a sign of being so immersed in your beliefs you are blind to other’s feelings and perspectives. Life operates best through change, the ability to adapt, while keeping core attributes (such as DNA, which also mutates sometimes) Conservatism has its roots in a natural human tendency to fear change, especially if the benefits are not clear.

Too much rapid change does not work well either. It creates resistance and unrelistically expecting people and cultures to radically change in a small segment of time, creating misunderstanding, fear, and backlash. However big misunderstandings happen because one side may have been struggling for a long time for a favorable change, creating impatience, while the other side may not be aware of the struggle, or understand the struggle, and so believes that pushing change is too much too soon. This happens between individuals too.

Incremental change usually works best, built on collaboration and compromise. The American revolution may have seemed fast but it had its roots in centuries of increasingly enlightened liberal ideas about freedom for individuals versus moribound institutions of state and church which resisted change and held onto power. The seeds for change had been planted long before.

It took about fifty years for women to get the right to vote because of fear and resistance deeply rooted in culture. That is fifty years of people actively seeking this change. Other changes favoring women (domestic violence, finances) took much longer. But experiences sometimes give people an aha moment, a sudden insight. Stories, including Biblical stories are replete with these examples. Some traumatic experiences and loss can do this, but very often people end up stuck in their trauma and feel agrieved about their losses. People have difficulty with change at the personal level, so of course cultural or political change will be the same.

The injuries felt by individuals spread through communities, and are magnified and sometimes used as a political weapon. Just as mind and body are connected so too is individual and group, interacting all the time. We see this in nature. One plant or animal being added or taken away can have a cascading effect in the health of an ecosystem. We noticed it the most when traumatized individuals act out violently in a public way.

Between the news and my own therapy practice it would be easy to feel overwhelmed and sucked into chronic negativity or perhaps worse chronic cynicism, even nihilism. Not that I’m on board with constant positivity either or fake cheerfulness. (Although my default place is optimism). But being immersed in this cesspool of negativity is not a good healing space. A healthy well lived life needs to give room for healing and growth. Trauma of whatever kind (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) requires a healing which means care and nurturing, and often leaves a scar. Scar tissue is both sensitive and strong.

Trauma can cause confusion and unclear thinking, mired in fear, valuing security over growth. (Not just at an individual level, but societial level). I have been able to recover from my own traumas by maintaining my sense of self, which sometimes may seem like it is lost, but is regained through reflection and reminding myself of my core values, and a sense of gratitude. The prior few years of loss (including the pandemic) has been another opportunity to do that, with new experiences, perceptions, understanding and realizations.

Staying connected with self, with others, with nature, staying grounded while also being open to feeling lifted and alive is important in a well lived life. Being curious, understanding that stopping and letting go allows for new things (its ok to pause or quit) and new perspectives. Balancing rest and activity, in whatever level is right to maintain health. To also recogonize that spiritual health is actually more important than physical health (whole and pure). The trauma, the struggle is not the actual you. It happened to you, life happened to you, it happens to all of us.

We have certaintly injured the natural world with our self centered, short sighted actions. Of course we are actually part of the natural world, so by injuring nature we are injuring ourself. But every day the sun rises, nature is the best teacher in healing from loss, and healthy re-growth if we could only pay attention. If our grandparents could forge through some dark times, so can we. Perhaps nature is the purest way to nurture a healthy compassionate spiritual life, providing flexible strength in times like these. There is indeed nothing new under the sun. It will be ok.